Photo: “Communication” by Joan M. Mass, Flickr Creative Commons.
As many of us know, UNC-Chapel Hill adopted a new affirmative consent standard in August 2014, meaning that, rather than “no means no,” UNC enforces a “yes means yes” standard—where consent is defined as the clearly conveyed, enthusiastic, conscious, non-coerced “yes.” It is the responsibility of person initiating the activity to receive affirmative consent, and being under the influence of drugs or alcohol does not lessen that responsibility. Consent can’t be treated as binding; if your partner and you say that next Friday you plan to have sex, you should still check in with your partner next Friday to make sure they consent. If, next Friday, your partner decides they do not consent, you cannot try to hold them to what they said the week before or make them feel guilty in any way for changing their mind. Also, consent to one activity is not consent to another (so, for example, consent to oral sex is not consent to vaginal sex).
I’ve found in my experience conducting One Act trainings that a lot of students struggle to understand the affirmative consent standard, and have a lot of questions about how it works in practice. Many of us are much more comfortable relying on body language, so enforcing a policy that heavily relies on verbal communication can be daunting.
But how do I ask? Won’t it kill the mood? Isn’t that awkward? Don’t you just know when someone wants to have sex? Is it really necessary to ask permission every step of the way? Does this mean that anytime I don’t explicitly ask permission, they can just regret it and call it rape?
Those are all questions I’ve been asked, on several occasions, by several students. A lot of those questions stem from a “but I just want to have sex” mindset, when the mindset should revolve around what both you and your partner enjoy doing. Affirmative consent isn’t about making things awkward, it’s about making sure your partner really does want to do what you want to do.
So how do you ask? Here are some suggestions:
“I’d really like to do ____, do you want to?”
“How do you feel about trying/doing ____?”
“Does this feel good to you?”
“Are you interested in doing ___?”
“Are you enjoying this?”
“I like doing _____. What do you like to do?”
The possibilities are endless, so have fun with it! Remember that sex should be an ongoing conversation, where you check in with your partner to make sure they are excited about and are enjoying everything that is happening.
But what about just knowing when someone is consenting to sex? Why this change? Why use an affirmative consent standard, when, for years, relying on body language has been considered acceptable?
It’s simple: there has been new research that indicates people are likely to freeze up when they feel scared, threatened, or traumatized. While most of us are familiar with flight or fight, there is actually this third chemical reaction in our brains – “freeze.” Because of neurobiology, people may not be able to speak up and say “let’s stop,” so they just disengage and wait for it to be over. Using an affirmative consent standard takes into account what happens in our bodies on a cellular level. Beyond biology, social norms may impact some a person’s ability to speak up. Statements like “maybe later,” “I’m tired,” “not right now,” “let’s just watch a movie,” or even silence are indicators that a person doesn’t actually want to have sex, despite none of those being an explicit “no.”
If you ask someone if they want to have sex with you (or do any other activity) and they say no, you didn’t “kill the mood.” You simply gave that person an opportunity to tell you that they didn’t want to have sex. Rejection usually doesn’t feel good, but neither does hurting someone. Affirmative consent is sexy. So play around with how you ask for consent, figure out what way is most comfortable to you, and practice good communication with your partner(s)! Being able to talk about what you are interested in doing together gets easier, and affirmative consent is sexy! Remember: even if you do find it awkward, a few seconds of feeling awkward is worth preventing harming someone.
If you’re worried that your partner may confuse regret with sexual assault, here is a great blog explaining why that likely won’t happen.
Can you think of any more ways to ask for consent? Post below in the comments!
by Hali Archambault
Have you ever started singing along to a song and then quickly realized that what you were singing was actually something derogatory or offensive? The use of catchy lyrics and rhythms can entrance a listener and it is difficult to distinguish how toxic the words really are. Music is such a large part of our culture and it can influence our thoughts and views, whether conscious or unconscious. These lyrics can skew individual views of what is “okay” and provide demonstrations for unhealthy relationships.
But how can one distinguish a healthy 
relationship from an unhealthy one? One way is to view each characteristic of a relationship as a pillar that holds it together: a relationship cannot work if one of the pillars begins to crumble. So what are these pillars? We can categorize the traits of a healthy relationship into 7 pillars.
- Respect
- Trust and Support
- Honesty and Accountability
- Shared Responsibility
- Economic Partnership
- Negotiation and Fairness
- Non-Threatening Behavior
Music often doesn’t destruct all of the pillars– media in general is never 100% bad or 100% good– but we can look at several lyrics to identify any possible unhealthy factors exhibited in a song and how these factors can result in an overall unhealthy relationship. This is not to say that one artist’s music is all bad and you should never listen to their music, but it is important to recognize the lyrics we listen to and their influence on relationships.
- Nick Jonas, Jealous
- Pop music has normalized or romanticized the attitude of victim blaming. The title, Jealous, reveals a lack of trust. While there may be debate for a “healthy amount of jealousy” in a relationship, there are several lyrics that point to aggressive behaviors such as “I’m puffing my chest” and “It’s my right to be hellish.” Additionally, the song reveals victim blaming (“’Cause you’re too sexy, beautiful”) such that the pursued is too pretty and should contain that.
- Sam Smith, Stay with Me
- This song has a beautiful melody, but contains some concerning messages. Many unhealthy relationships go through a cycle: honeymoon stage, tension builds, and an incident. The unhealthy relationship does not necessarily go through each stage every time, but the honeymoon stage (the calm) makes it feel like everything is fine. It isn’t until an incident happens that people usually seek help. Therefore, the lyrics of Stay With Me, “this ain’t love, it’s clear to see but darling, stay with me” represents a plea the pursued may hear to stay in a relationship, despite it being unhealthy. Check out the lyrics to see how gender plays a large role in unhealthy relationships:
But there are also plenty of songs that display more healthy relationships! These songs focus on trust, equality, respect, and honesty. Here, we will look at two pop songs that convey positive messages about relationships.
- Fifth Harmony, Miss Movin’ On
- While this song does not portray a healthy relationship, it places emphasis on the strength it takes to get out of an unhealthy relationship, empowering those to “start from scratch.” It creates assurance that there is a way out and a way to “move on.” The inspiring lyrics can be found at:
- Ed Sheeran, Thinking Out Loud
- The premise of this song is a love that is long lasting, based on open communication, “I just wanna tell you I am,” and simple acts of comfort, such as “just the touch of a hand.” The healthy relationship is based on the support, trust, communication, respect and safety.
Check out this awesome playlist that emphasizes healthy relationships on: http://www.loveisrespect.org/content/healthy-relationship-playlist-3-0/
So what now? It is important to note that listening to media with messages you don’t love doesn’t make you a bad person — it’s okay to enjoy these songs! It would be impossible to consume any media if we said never to listen to/watch anything that conveyed negative behaviors. However, it’s important to recognize that the media you consume could be affecting your attitudes. Ask yourself: What is the message of this song? And do I like that message?
What can you do right now? Talk to your friends about these songs, or other songs you have realized are either empowering or promote unhealthy relationships.
My One ACT will be talking to my friends about the way media affects our ideas about relationships. What’s your One ACT?
This blog is a guest blog from Ruth Abebe, a UNC graduate interested in HIV and sexual health, and was originally published on April 1, 2013.
College is a time when many students are discovering and exploring ourselves and the 
world around us. This world may include sexuality.
Many college students choose to be sexually active, and college-aged students are particularly likely to engage in risky sexual behaviors and are disproportionately affected by negative sexual health outcomes such as STI or unintended pregnancy. According to national surveys, many college students are engaging in sexual activity without protection. In a 2011 survey of undergraduate students across the US, approximately 70% of sexually active students reported using condoms inconsistently or not at all during sex in the last 30 days. With all the information out there regarding sexually transmitted infections (STI), unintended pregnancy and ways to prevent them, why do college students still put themselves at risk?
As a college student myself, I have heard several of my peers talk about why they don’t use condoms. But, there are ways to go beyond these barriers and make sure sexual experiences are safe and pleasurable.
1. Cost — Most of us are on a budget, and the cost of safer sex supplies like condoms is still an obstacle for students when deciding to use protection. However, this is a problem that can be easily remedied. Here at UNC, we have access to free safer sex supplies. Condoms, both male and female, and dental dams, as well as lube, are available to us through UNC Student Wellness and at several residence halls around campus. Furthermore, with the introduction of Wellness’s free condom dispensers, cost will be even less of an issue (update: These condom dispensers are now in service! They are located around campus, including in the Union and the Rams Head Recreation Center, and are refilled frequently). Click here for more information on where you can currently access safer sex supplies throughout Campus Health Services.
2. Many consider only pregnancy risk—Some students only consider pregnancy as a possible consequence of unprotected sex. For this reason, many believe they will be able to protect themselves using prescription contraceptives (examples: the pill, patch, ring, IUD, etc.). However, STI risk and protection should be considered in every sexual partnership. Aside from abstinence, condoms are the only method which can protect against both pregnancy and STIs, including HIV/AIDS. They can also be converted to a dental dam.
3. “Oral sex isn’t sex.” – Many are under the false impression that oral sex is “safe sex.” Oral sex, just like anal and vaginal sex, carries a risk for STI transmission. Condoms and dental dams can protect against the risk of STI transmission during oral sex.
4. Pleasure Factor— Some college students don’t use condoms during sexual activity because they believe “it doesn’t feel the same.” But you can do things to make sex with condoms feel just as good. Plus, knowing that you have the protection of a condom can help you to relax and enjoy the moment. There are several kinds of condoms out there, including “ultra-sensitive” condoms that enhance the feeling of both parties during sex. Using lube can also make sex more pleasurable for both partners. In addition, there are condoms and other safer sex supplies geared toward making sex more pleasurable. Explore different condom styles and protect yourself!
5. “It’ll ruin the moment.” – Some college students are not protecting themselves for fear of ruining the mood of the moment. There are ways around this too. If you are having sex with someone, you can talk about condom use beforehand. Of course, I realize that not all sexual activity will be between two people in either a romantic or ongoing sexual relationship. In these cases, it’s important to place your sexual health above any potential awkwardness. Cases of STIs are on the rise, and aside from the dangers to your health, having an STI can make your sex life more difficult in the future. So, why not protect and enjoy yourself?
Despite these barriers, there are several ways to allay your fears and hesitations about using protection. As college students, preventing against STIs and pregnancy by using condoms is essential to protecting our sexual health.
I’ve heard it called Impostor Phenomenon or sometimes Impostor Syndrome, but it tends to announce itself more like…”OH MY GAH, YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHAT YOU’RE DOING DO YOU?! SOMEONE ELSE WOULD HAVE KNOWN EXACTLY WHAT TO DO AND WOULD HAVE DONE THIS WAAAAAY BETTER. THEY’RE GONNA KNOW! THEY’RE ALL GONNA KNOW!” …At least that’s how it shows up in my head.
But whatever you call it, false feelings of not-good-enoughness are pretty common. Google it. Some researchers estimate that as many as 70% of people feel this way at some point in their lives. And while it can happen to anyone, researchers find this phenomenon especially common in women, people of ethnic and racial minorities, and anyone who’s trying something new or who feels different from the people around them.
Common or not, these automatic thoughts of impostordom can stall or stunt a person’s progress in life in major ways. And fears of having one’s “shortcomings” “found out” can keep folks from reaching out and connecting with others who could help.
There are a lot of theories out there about where this comes from and lots of advice for what to do about it, but I happened upon a TED talk the other day that gives scientific evidence to something I’ve learned doing theater.
ITC ensemble members using Image Theater techniques.
With Interactive Theatre Carolina, we use a range of theatrical tools to help folks better understand themselves and discuss the world we live in. One technique we use is Forum Theatre—sometimes called a “rehearsal for real life,” which seeks to empower regular folks to make courageous and healthy choices by practicing changing the outcomes of problematic scenarios. Another technique we use is called Image Theatre, in which participants strike poses and audience members discuss and analyze the stories and associations the body postures convey. A “picture’s worth a thousand words,” right?
This TED talk references a study in which Amy Cuddy, a social psychologist and researcher at Harvard Business School, reports findings that support that rehearsing for real life…is also real life. She finds that changing our body language not only influences the messages we send to others but also the messages we send to ourselves at the chemical level.
In short, striking powerful poses (poses that open the body and take up space) alters hormone levels—increasing testosterone and decreasing cortisol (a stress hormone)—which results in a person actually feeling more powerful. The opposite happens, as you might imagine, when a person strikes a low-power pose (body closed off and made small). These changes are measurable and almost instant; Cuddy’s subjects only held the poses for 2 minutes.
Will striking a power pose and altering my brain chemistry suddenly make me capable of being the next president? Highly unlikely. But could striking a power pose for a few minutes before leading a presentation help me interrupt some negative self-talk that might otherwise hold me back? Probably.
Check out some of the articles embedded and below for other strategies to get past fears of being an impostor in your own life. If you’ll excuse me, I’m going to stand like a starfish for the next 2 minutes and have a brave afternoon.
“Dating Online” by whybealone1, Flickr Creative Commons
Match.com. eHarmony. Tinder. OkCupid. Coffee Meets Bagel. Over the past few years, all of these online dating websites have gained members. Online dating has become increasingly more common, especially among millennials. According to one study, 22% of Americans ages 25-34 have used an online dating website. Do people find their soul mate online? The data is unclear, but lots of people definitely meet people online, for friendship, relationships, and/or sex.
Meeting up with someone for the first time can be scary or intimidating, but it can also be a lot of fun! Here are some tips to make the most out of your online dating experiences:
- Be careful what information you put online. It’s not recommended to put your last name, address, or work online since anyone can access it. Only share your phone number with people whom you plan to get to know better or meet up with.
- It’s a good idea to chat online or on the phone (or even facetime!) before you meet. This way you can see if you want to meet up with them rather than arriving for a date and realizing then that they seem sketchy.
- Meet in a public place, such as a coffee shop, for a first date. It’s not recommended to meet for the first time at someone’s apartment, dorm, or house.
- Arrange your own transportation. This way you can leave at any point and won’t have to depend on the person to get you home.
- Let a friend or two know where you are going ahead of time and who you are meeting up with. It can be a good idea to have a friend call or text you at some point to give you an “out” in case you want to leave. You can have a code word or just say that your friend needs you.
- If you plan on hooking up or having sex, discuss expectations ahead of time. Discuss contraception and barrier methods (such as condoms and dental dams), comfort level with certain acts, and what you expect out of the meet up. Know that you can change your mind at any point in time, and you never have to do something you are uncomfortable or unsure about. Consent is required for all sexual acts.
- Trust your intuition. If you feel unsafe or uncomfortable, trust that feeling. Never feel guilty for stopping communication with someone who doesn’t make you feel good.
I know a lot of couples who do everything together and never hang out much with friends outside of their relationship. I also know couples that only hang out with friends of one of the partners in the relationship, or only engage socially with other couples. I have also noticed since becoming a parent that often social engagements can center around children and events with other parents. Some fathers, mothers, and partners may feel guilty about participating in things like “Guys Nights” or “Girls Nights” or “sports nights” or “movie nights” outside of their relationship, and I have heard people say that they cannot understand why their partner would want to do things without them. These scenarios can lead to tension, unhappiness, pressure, poor communication, and even resentment, none of which facilitate a healthy relationship.
“Ishod, Theotis, & Elijah” by mor gnar… ,flickr Creative Commons
Turns out however, that hanging out with friends is not only fun and rewarding, but actually helps you not get sick, can actually increase life expectancy , and benefits seem to happen for both men and women. You can check out the links, but the gist is, hanging out with friends increases beneficial hormones, boosts immune function, reduces stress and depression, and improves overall mental and physical health. It also appears that these benefits occur when the socializing occurs with members of the same sex, and part of this could be due to biological hormonal differences (oxytocin vs testosterone) and likely are also due to shared experiences of what it means to be a man or woman. I am certainly not suggesting that all members of the same gender have the same life experiences, but society certainly treats men differently than women, and sometimes people need a space to be with others who have similar experiences and interests. Hanging out with members of the same gender also can remove some of the pressure associated with socializing with members of the opposite gender.
So time spent with the same gender is good, but there is an important caveat. Male bonding, “Guys Nights” or “bromances” if you will may be good for health, but not if they are promoting hegemonic masculinity, or somehow reinforcing male privilege and a gender hierarchy. Guys can hang out together and do “guy things” and not have this result in devaluing typical “feminine characteristics.” Not being a woman, I will not speculate about “Girls Nights” but it is important to makes sure that either gender’s bonding is not causing resentment of the opposite sex. The socializing is about recognizing that, whether socially constructed or biological, there are differences between people and those differences are ok and do not need to be removed.
“Smiling at the sunset (friends)” by Sarah Ross, Flickr Creative Commons
Which brings me to my final point. Hanging out with friends, whatever gender or sex they are, is healthy and does not devalue a relationship. The idea of “partner social exclusivity” (I just made up that term but I kind of like it) seems ludicrous, and I believe it is unreasonable to expect one person to meet every single need that you might ever have. People are dynamic and multifaceted, and so relationships should be the same. I also want to say that though the paragraph above is somewhat heteronormative with regards to life experiences, same sex couples also include people with varying experiences and interests and time outside of the relationship can help to validate those experiences and interests.
I do know couple friends who seem to have the exact same interests and are completely happy doing everything together, but I think these are few and far between and part of most healthy relationship is still holding onto individuality. It is about finding that balance between time together and time apart, and the time apart can be a sign of strength, not a deficit in the relationship. So go hang out with your friends. Have a “Guys Night” or a “Girls Night” or a “whatever your interest is night.” It is good for you, and part of finding the balance between partnership and individuality, and also about respecting and valuing both commonalities and differences.
Previously known as CHECS appointments, Student Wellness offers sexual wellness education appointments with a trained health educator to individuals as well as student pairs. Topics for these appointments include but are not limited to:
- Contraceptive option consultations and education;
Photo “Devious Question” by Zita, Flickr Creative Commons
- HIV testing and counseling;
- Well Woman’s Exams questions;
- Post-diagnosis STI management questions; and
- Other concerns or questions relating to sexual health.
When are educational appointments available?
For the Fall 2014 semester, sexual wellness education appointments will be offered:
- Tuesdays, 1PM-3PM
- Wednesdays, 10AM-12PM
- Thursdays, 10AM-1PM
- Fridays, 10AM-11AM
How does a student make a sexual wellness education appointment?
Because of limited availability and space, students should call Student Wellness at 919-962-WELL ahead of time to schedule an appointment. Depending on demand, there are usually available appointments within the week. Walk-in appointments may also be available if other appointments are not yet scheduled.
Free HIV Testing at World AIDS Day!
Photo “World AIDS Day, December 1″ by Sully Pixel, Flickr Creative Commons
Every year on December 1, people worldwide write to increase awareness and testing for HIV on World AIDS Day. This year Student Wellness and other campus partners will be celebrating this day on December 2 by offering a free, confidential, fast HIV testing in the Union from 10am-4:45pm. For more information visit the Facebook event for the day.
For further questions about these appointments and World AIDS Day, please contact [email protected].